My nephew Omar walked into his grandmother's flat last Eid, went straight past her, past the uncles on the sofa, and sat down in front of the plate of kahk. Didn't say a word. My mother just looked at him over her glasses. That look. Every Egyptian kid knows that look.
He got up, came back, said "Assalamu alaikum, Teta" very fast and very quietly, and kissed her hand. Then he went back to the kahk.
Afterwards he asked me, honestly confused, why he had to go to her. "She was sitting right there, she could have said it."
Fair question, actually. There's an answer.
The Prophet's little rulebook
The Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, gave a sort of traffic system for greeting. The one riding greets the one walking, the one walking greets the one sitting, and the small group greets the big group. That's in both Bukhari and Muslim. In another narration in Bukhari, the young greet the old.
Omar loved this once I put it as traffic. He's nine and obsessed with cars. So: you walked in, Teta was sitting, you're younger, that's three rules saying you go first. He counted them on his fingers. "So I lost three times." Sort of, yes.
What I like about it is that it takes the awkwardness out. Nobody stands in a doorway wondering who should speak. The one who's moving, the one who's arriving, the younger one, just does it.
Why bother, though
There's a hadith in Sahih Muslim I didn't really understand until I was older. The Prophet said you won't truly believe until you love one another, and then he asked, shall I tell you something that, if you do it, you'll love one another? Spread salam among yourselves.
That's it. That's the trick. Not a big speech, not a gift, just saying it. Kids think greetings are a politeness thing grown ups made up to be annoying. It's actually closer to glue.
And it's not only for people you know. Someone asked the Prophet which deeds were best and part of the answer was giving salam to those you know and those you don't. That's in Bukhari too. Omar found that one harder. "To strangers?" To the man at the bakery, yes. The new kid at school, yes.
Replying properly
Saying it is half. The Quran, in Surah An-Nisa, says when you're greeted, answer with something better or at least the same.
So "Assalamu alaikum" gets "Wa alaikum assalam" at minimum. Add "wa rahmatullah" and you've done better. Add "wa barakatuh" too and you've gone all out. My niece, six, now replies to everything with the full version at top volume, including the delivery man, who looked startled and then very pleased.
Small detail, but I tell kids to look at the person when they say it. A salam mumbled at the floor while running past barely counts as being there.
What we actually practise
A game at the door. Whoever comes home has to give salam before shoes come off, and whoever's inside races to reply first with the longest version. Points are imaginary but the competition is real.
Role play with toys, for the little ones. The teddy on the toy car greets the walking doll. The walking doll greets the sitting doll. Silly, and it sticks better than me explaining it twice.
Stories help too. If your kids like watching rather than listening, the Islamic Galaxy videos are a nice way to see good manners acted out by characters they already like.
The new kid problem
This is where salam really matters. A child standing alone at the edge of the playground. A simple "Assalamu alaikum, want to play?" from one brave kid changes that kid's whole week.
Omar told me there's a boy in his class who never gets greeted by anyone. I asked him what the Prophet would do. He didn't answer, but two days later his mum said he'd invited the boy over. If your child is on the other side of that, the lonely side, our post on helping kids handle bullying has some gentle ways to talk about it.
Conclusion
At the next family lunch Omar came in first, before anyone else, and went around the whole room. Teta, then the uncles, then the cousins on the floor, even the baby, who answered by throwing a spoon.
My mother didn't say anything. She just gave him the biggest piece of kahk on the plate, and he knew exactly why. For more videos, games and activities that help kids grow good manners, you'll find everything at Islamic Galaxy.
FAQs
Who should say salam first in Islam?
The Prophet gave a simple order: the one riding greets the one walking, the one walking greets the one sitting, a small group greets a bigger one, and the young greet the old. If you're arriving, you go first.
How should my child reply to salam?
At least "Wa alaikum assalam," which matches it. Adding "wa rahmatullah wa barakatuh" is even better, since the Quran asks us to reply with something better or equal. Teach them to look at the person when they say it.
Should kids give salam to people they don't know?
Yes. The Prophet praised giving salam to people you know and people you don't. Of course kids should stay safe with strangers, so a salam in public, like at the mosque or school with a parent nearby, is a great place to start.
